Questionnaire
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God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
 to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
 answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses
 will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose
 your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments
 or suggestions.
 
 1. How did you find out about God?

 ___ Newspaper
 ___ Bible
 ___ Torah
 ___ Book of Mormon
 ___ Koran
 ___ Other Book
 ___ Television
 ___ Divine Inspiration
 ___ Word of mouth
 ___ Dead Sea scrolls
 ___ My mama done tol' me
 ___ Near Death Experience
 ___ Near-life experience
 ___ National Public Radio
 ___ Tabloid
 ___ Burning Shrubbery
 ___ Who?
 ___ Other (specify): _____________
 
 2. Which model God did you acquire?

 ___ Yahweh
 ___ Jehovah
 ___ Allah
 ___ Just plain God
 ___ Krishna
 ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
 ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
 ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
 ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
 ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false God
 
 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
     order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

 __ Yes
 __ No
 
      If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
      Please indicate all that apply:

 ___ Not eternal
 ___ Not omniscient
 ___ Not omnipotent
 ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
 ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
 ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
 ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
 ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
 ___ Requires burnt offerings
 ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
 ___ Plays dice with the universe
 
 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
     (Please check all that apply.)

 ___ Indoctrinated by parents
 ___ Needed a reason to live
 ___ Indoctrinated by society
 ___ Needed target for rage
 ___ Imaginary friend grew up
 ___ Hate to think for self
 ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
 ___ Fear of death
 ___ To piss off parents
 ___ Needed a day away from work
 ___ Enjoy organ music
 ___ Needed focus on whom to despise
 ___ Needed to feel morally superior
 ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
 ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
 
 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
     to God? (Please check all that apply.)

 __ Self-help books
 __ Tarot, Astrology
 __ Star Trek re-runs
 __ Fortune cookies
 __ Ann Landers
 __ Psychic Friends Network
 __ Dianetics
 __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
 __ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
 __ Biorhythms
 __ Landmark or est
 __ Television
 __ Mantras
 __ Jimmy Swaggart
 __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
 __ Human Sacrifice
 __ Wandering around in desert
 __ Burning shrubbery
 __ Other:_____________________
 
 6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God
     were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

 ___ Odin
 ___ Cthulhu
 ___ Lottery
 ___ Baal
 ___ Beelzebub
 ___ The Almighty Dollar
 ___ The Conservative Right
 ___ Mick Jagger
 ___ Bill Gates
 ___ The Great Pumpkin
 ___ Ronald Reagan
 ___ A burning cabbage
 ___ mushrooms
 ___ Other: ________________
 
 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
     the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
     prefer..?  (circle one)

 a. More Divine Intervention
 b. Less Divine Intervention
 c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
 d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
 
 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
     miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
     following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
 
 Disaster:

 1 2 3 4 5 flood
 1 2 3 4 5 famine
 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
 1 2 3 4 5 war
 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
 1 2 3 4 5 plague
 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
 1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
 1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
 
 Miracles:

 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
 1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
 
 9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, excellent):

 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
 1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
 
 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
       quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)
 

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